“Where have you seen generosity? How does that make you feel?” This prompt from Sarah Hauser’s “Document the Days” COVID-19 writing challenge pulled me up short. The first question’s answer was easy and obvious: I see generosity in my friends. The second was ugly and hard to admit: It makes me feel guilty and inadequate.
Ick.
But I wrote the truth down anyway. Then I texted my friend Tricia, hoping she could help me bring God’s Truth to bear on the situation. “Who is God calling you to be today?” she wrote back. “And is that your identity? Or are you letting your doing/not doing identify you?”
She affirmed what I was suspecting: my guilty, inadequate feelings inspired by others’ good works aren’t all about others. Instead, they’re (partially) about me: Have I done enough to be considered a “real” Christian? What more do I have to do to have God approve of me? When can I let my mind and conscience rest?
Therefore, my guilty feelings are not, entirely, true guilt. They’re partly self-righteousness and unbelief in disguise. I don’t want to help the needy out of love, but to soothe my wounded pride. To do just enough to hear God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Of course, Truth is that I am saved not by what I do, but by what Jesus has done. I give to others not to feel good about myself (love of self), but out of love and gratitude for God, which creates love and gratitude for others.
Here is where the caveats come in: yes, I do think some of the guilt is real, because I struggle with selfishness and laziness (Tricia’s question, “Why am I not doing something” helps us sort that out). And yes, I am motivated to help partly by love for others.
Yet it’s important for me to acknowledge this false element to my guilt and my desires. I have to name it in order to confess it and fight it. I don’t want to keep desiring or doing the right things for the wrong reasons. To paraphrase a quote I heard (I think) on the Exhale podcast, I want to show generosity “from love, not for love.”
I was planning to write an essay challenging you to do just one thing when you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the many beautiful and kind things you see others doing on your social media feeds right now. And I still want to give that challenge, and commit to it myself.
But I think that as we choose that thing, we need to ask Jesus, “What’s motivating me to do this? What part of that motive needs to be saved and expanded, and what part needs to be tossed out on the trash pile?” As we choose, we ask Him for wisdom and guidance. As we choose, we realize that our right thing (or things) might not look exactly like the right things our neighbors and friends are doing.
Then, once we choose and act, we don’t get complacent. We keep asking, keep choosing, keep growing (whether that’s growing in “doing” or in rest). We keep finding our identity in Christ as His child, and we love from His love.
So. My “one thing” is to send a note/letter/card, perhaps accompanied by a small package, weekly. My prayer is to do this from love, not for love. And from there . . . well, we’ll see.
How about you? What’s your next right step, and why?
This Motley Crew 